Well, well, well....

So, I am proud of myself that I did not yet reach 200 lbs (which I never want to reach again) however, I am back up to 199. In may, I was 188. So in about a month and a half I gained 10 pounds because I have been eating whatever I want and I don't have a boyfriend up my ass telling me that I can't eat. (So glad that is over!)

So I really need to start back up again, I think if I reached 180-- I would be fine. I want to reach 170... but that goal looks really far away right now... I think I'll be able to do it though.

Starting again...

I am going to start my diet again.
I am going to keep my calories per day between 1,000 and 1,200.

I am going to keep my carbs down to 50 per day, for now.

This means I am going to have to go grocery shopping I think.

Oh poo.

I guess I will get a lot of meat, and things high in protein.
Eggs, and.... maybe some lettuce.

All I really want right now though is a twizzler... lol

falling far behind....

So I am back up to 196. I guess I let myself go. I am in a new relationship and I feel comfortable so I guess I was just doing my thing-- and being me. I am not going to stop being me, but I do need to stop eating the way I am eating. I am thinking about joining a gym but not too sure. I do need to start doing something though--- because I do not want to reach 200 lbs again. I want to get down to 170.

Back in the Game!

I am down to 188.5. Heck yes.
I really haven't been doing anything different--- trying not to stuff my face is basically what I am sticking to. Also I am taking/eating bee pollen. Not in pill form-- but straight up local bee pollen that I bought at a local health food store near my house. I don't know if it really is working...but it seems to be working. Last week, or the week prior, I weighted around 193... and now I am down to 188.5--- and I haven't been doing anything but eating...and eating bee pollen. Try it.

Stuck in a rut...

I am definitely stuck in a rut.

I am sad and depressed because of the breakup.... and I just keep eating. I am always hungry. I need to find something that will suppress that....

So I was thinking about buying those bee pollen pills...

I don't know what to do. I just feel lost lonely and sad

And I will like I am going to die alone. :( and never marry anyone... ever.

Goodbye to everything I knew...

Me and my boyfriend broke up yesterday. We both decided we wanted to be friends, and honestly that is what I want. He is a really good guy, attractive and smart. I just can't be happy with him because honestly, I'm not happy with myself. I am not happy with myself, and I also don't know how to be happy alone.

So it would cause problems, when he would be gone hanging out with his friends, I would feel so lonely, then when he would come back I would be mad and sad, and still feel lonely and isolated because I felt like I wasn't even categorized as one of his friends, because it seemed like he never wanted to hang out with me, only when he had nothing else to do. Or at least that is what it seemed like.

So I guess I will just focus on going to the library and writing lesson plans all summer, gettting another job and losing 25 more pounds.

I feel really sad... really really sad.

Maybe it will work out between us in the future, but right now I really need to work on myself before I can love anyone else. And it is sad that I had to realize that when I was in this relationship.

Digital Scale

So my sister bought a new digital scale. it says I weigh 193. Not too bad... and it is only 5 lbs more than my sister, who was thinner than me my whole life! HAHA!

I can't wait to lose like 25 more pounds then rub it in her face...