No carb diet... again... :(

I am not enthusiastic about starting this No carb diet again. I really really really don't want to do it. The only reason I am doing it would be so my boyfriend gets off my back about my diet and hopefully he will ease up on constantly telling me to lose weight. Last time I weighed myself I think I was about 200. But the time before I was 195. So I really have no idea how much I weigh right now, I should go to the gym but I don't feel like walking there. However, I did take another 4 mile walk with my roommate again yesterday, and I am going to start going to the gym because I found a work out buddy who will hopefully keep me motivated to exercise and lose weight. I am at a computer at school right now, tried to print out my rubrics but apparently the lab I am in the printers are both broken. FML. I just really want to go home--- and relax. I am SO hungry, but I have nothing to eat (since the only thing I can eat is meat, cheese, eggs, and pickles) and I am at school today from 8am to 2:50pm. YAY me. Not really. This is why I fail at this diet, I don't think my boyfriend understands how challenging it is to stick to something when you are starving all the time.

My bottom-less pit stomach needs to turn into a snack bag.

So, the headache I've been having for over 2 weeks now has accumulated from stress. So now I am on a headache/muscle relaxer medication. :/ I feel out of it, and I have to write a lesson plan that is due for tomorrow :/ Btw, I am back at 195 again. I went to my doctors and I showed him that I lost weight (he told me I couldn't do it) ha, showed him.

tired of trying

I feel really discouraged and disgusting.
I also have had a headache for 2 weeks straight now and I don't feel like doing anything besides sleeping.
I am frikkin sick of dieting, --- sick of TALKING about dieting.
Just sick of all the frikkin shit.
I think I give up....

Yo. --yo.. :(

Bye pounds! Hi pounds! Bye Pounds! Hi Pounds! Bye Pounds---- HI POUNDS!

Its like a yo-yo. I am doing really poorly on my diet. I don't know how to correct it right now, I know that I need to-- and I DO know how to correct it.

I just need the motivation and will power that I am lacking.
Urgh.


Why can't weight just disappear?

Seeing a difference.

You know when you roll up to the mcdonalds drive thru window and the girl handing you your food (who also kind-of knows you-- not complete strangers) says "wow, you are looking really great!"

I probably shouldnt have gone to mcdonalds... but oh well.

I weighed myself tonight around.... 9:15pm or so? I weighed.....
....
.....
........
.............
................
194.5


YEP! thats right. OH and yesterday I took a ***4 mile*** walk with my roommate--- I didn't go to the gym... but it was definitely a work out.

Lets see if I can get down to 189 by the end of march..... thats only ..... 5.5 pounds in like two weeks.

MAYBE I CAN DO THIS!
Btw, I make some really delicious tofu!

Rethink this.

This week (I don't know if I actually count sunday as the beginning of the week but oh well)--- this week---- I did not go to the gym yet. But it is only monday, and I have high hopes that I will make it to the gym tomorrow along with the many things I have to do on my 'to do' list.

I know I don't weigh 195 anymore. I can feel that I have gained weight back because I have my appetite back--- which was no surprise and I kept on eating--and eating--and eating.

I went to the store and bought food today. Tofu, chicken sausage, brocolli, chicken, spices, fruit (bananas, orange, peach, 2 apples) eggs, and a facial mask :)

So, that is what I will be eating all week.

I am going to try to take all the artificial sugar carbs out of my life. I will just eat fruit (I know fruit has pretty many carbs, but fruit is good for you)

I also made some bangin' green tea today from tea bags, some honey, and 6 no calorie sugar packets.

Spring Break is almost over...

Welp, spring break is almost over--- and this is my last spring break ever.

This week coming up I am going to try to go to the gym everyday. Maybe it will release some pent up stress that has been building.

I have no idea how much homework I neglected over break--- but I am assuming it was a shit load.

I want to lose or get down to... 190 by end of march.

Then hopefully 180-170 by the end of april or may.

oh HELL yes...

195 pounds and in a size 14 jeans.

I was down to 192 on monday... but that was due to the stomach flu-- so that doesn't count.

195 lbs. :) I haven't been this weight since.... 2005/2006?

Only 25 pounds till I reach 170, and 35 until I reach 160.

Possibly down to 180 by end of april? Maybe I can do this?

Dangle motivation on a string-- please.

Its like motivation for me has a flip/flop effect. I will be motivated for an hour, a day, possibly a week, sometimes a month. But then all of a sudden-- BAMMM!!!--- its gone.

Like most humans on earth-- I feel really overwhelmed and depressed.

I am overwhelmed with school, the thought of moving home after this semester, the thought of student teaching, the thought of --well-- graduating and starting 'life'. The big 'L' word.

What does that even mean? Starting "life".

I've been living now for 22 years. Starting an 'adult' life in the 'real world' will be rough I am assuming. Life probably will not get any better to tell you the truth.

Get married? Stay in a relationship? Be single and collect gnomes and cats? Who knows--- the possibilities could be endless.

All I know is this... I will always be a large person-- whether I get down to 160-170 or not-- I will still be big. I will never be a size 0. Ever. and I probably will never be a size 6 either.

I am me.
I feel like people cannot deal with it--- why else would they try to change me?
My boyfriend and I have been having rough patches due to things changing in his life-- and well I am just depressed ALL the time-- so it doesn't help.

We try to make things work. A lot of sacrificing does down on my end. He still manages to be a tool anyway, no matter how hard I try to please him, or try not to show my real emotions.

Its like being a robot or a drone. Its no way to live.
I just don't know what to do...
I feel like I'm in quick sand sometimes--- all the struggling, yelling, pulling, tugging, desperation continues to drag me down-- not help me back up.