Well, well, well....

So, I am proud of myself that I did not yet reach 200 lbs (which I never want to reach again) however, I am back up to 199. In may, I was 188. So in about a month and a half I gained 10 pounds because I have been eating whatever I want and I don't have a boyfriend up my ass telling me that I can't eat. (So glad that is over!)

So I really need to start back up again, I think if I reached 180-- I would be fine. I want to reach 170... but that goal looks really far away right now... I think I'll be able to do it though.

Starting again...

I am going to start my diet again.
I am going to keep my calories per day between 1,000 and 1,200.

I am going to keep my carbs down to 50 per day, for now.

This means I am going to have to go grocery shopping I think.

Oh poo.

I guess I will get a lot of meat, and things high in protein.
Eggs, and.... maybe some lettuce.

All I really want right now though is a twizzler... lol

falling far behind....

So I am back up to 196. I guess I let myself go. I am in a new relationship and I feel comfortable so I guess I was just doing my thing-- and being me. I am not going to stop being me, but I do need to stop eating the way I am eating. I am thinking about joining a gym but not too sure. I do need to start doing something though--- because I do not want to reach 200 lbs again. I want to get down to 170.

Back in the Game!

I am down to 188.5. Heck yes.
I really haven't been doing anything different--- trying not to stuff my face is basically what I am sticking to. Also I am taking/eating bee pollen. Not in pill form-- but straight up local bee pollen that I bought at a local health food store near my house. I don't know if it really is working...but it seems to be working. Last week, or the week prior, I weighted around 193... and now I am down to 188.5--- and I haven't been doing anything but eating...and eating bee pollen. Try it.

Stuck in a rut...

I am definitely stuck in a rut.

I am sad and depressed because of the breakup.... and I just keep eating. I am always hungry. I need to find something that will suppress that....

So I was thinking about buying those bee pollen pills...

I don't know what to do. I just feel lost lonely and sad

And I will like I am going to die alone. :( and never marry anyone... ever.

Goodbye to everything I knew...

Me and my boyfriend broke up yesterday. We both decided we wanted to be friends, and honestly that is what I want. He is a really good guy, attractive and smart. I just can't be happy with him because honestly, I'm not happy with myself. I am not happy with myself, and I also don't know how to be happy alone.

So it would cause problems, when he would be gone hanging out with his friends, I would feel so lonely, then when he would come back I would be mad and sad, and still feel lonely and isolated because I felt like I wasn't even categorized as one of his friends, because it seemed like he never wanted to hang out with me, only when he had nothing else to do. Or at least that is what it seemed like.

So I guess I will just focus on going to the library and writing lesson plans all summer, gettting another job and losing 25 more pounds.

I feel really sad... really really sad.

Maybe it will work out between us in the future, but right now I really need to work on myself before I can love anyone else. And it is sad that I had to realize that when I was in this relationship.

Digital Scale

So my sister bought a new digital scale. it says I weigh 193. Not too bad... and it is only 5 lbs more than my sister, who was thinner than me my whole life! HAHA!

I can't wait to lose like 25 more pounds then rub it in her face...

Doing so bad with losing weight...

Because it is closing in on the end of the semester and I have been stressed out behind comprehension for me.... I have gone off my diet for the time being

Its been probably 3 weeks now.

Now this doesnt mean I am eating crap, crap and more crap.
I am watching what I am eating, but I am also letting myself have icecream and goodies. And I am/was hoping I was doing that in moderation but we will see when I go home this weekend and weigh myself.

189 by end of april

That is my goal right now. I weighed myself tonight around 830pm and it said between 191-192. I can get down to 189 or 188 by the end of April, and I am going to push myself and really try.

Testing myself--- so far I am failing...

So, after 3 or 4 attempts at this strict "No carb" diet in the last 7 months I am finally giving up on it.
On IT, not dieting completely.
I talked it over with my roommate and her boyfriend (who are two great people to go ask advice in general-- but also for health advice since they are both very active (they rock climb) and eat super healthy all the time)
I talked it over with them and concluded that this diet will not work for me, but I need to find a diet that will. I also can't rely on just eating well to lose weight-- which was so much the case these past 7 months when I lost 44 pounds.
Now its time to introduce a workout schedule to help lose more weight-- since I need to start exercising in general.
Here is the schedule that I will try ever so hard to stick to--- whether I am beat and sore...
Sunday- rest day
Monday- gym and workout DVD
tuesday- gym, workout DVD and walk
wednesday- workout DVD
thursday- rest day
friday- gym and workout DVD
saturday- workout DVD


I am going to try my damnedest to do this.... I really want to get down to 170 or 160 by July.

Diet = Life long commitment

After almost 1 week of the no carb diet, I managed to cheat on the weekend.
So I started again on monday, and I am doing well. I weighed myself tonight after 8:30pm and I weighed 193. Which isn't bad, considering I've eaten multiple times today and I haven't uh... BM-ed yet. ;) haha.
I decided to do this for myself, and not for my boyfriend. I was trying to spite him by not completing this diet, but then realized I was also spiting myself.
I will do good, I only have... 10 more days :) I can do this!

No carb diet... again... :(

I am not enthusiastic about starting this No carb diet again. I really really really don't want to do it. The only reason I am doing it would be so my boyfriend gets off my back about my diet and hopefully he will ease up on constantly telling me to lose weight. Last time I weighed myself I think I was about 200. But the time before I was 195. So I really have no idea how much I weigh right now, I should go to the gym but I don't feel like walking there. However, I did take another 4 mile walk with my roommate again yesterday, and I am going to start going to the gym because I found a work out buddy who will hopefully keep me motivated to exercise and lose weight. I am at a computer at school right now, tried to print out my rubrics but apparently the lab I am in the printers are both broken. FML. I just really want to go home--- and relax. I am SO hungry, but I have nothing to eat (since the only thing I can eat is meat, cheese, eggs, and pickles) and I am at school today from 8am to 2:50pm. YAY me. Not really. This is why I fail at this diet, I don't think my boyfriend understands how challenging it is to stick to something when you are starving all the time.

My bottom-less pit stomach needs to turn into a snack bag.

So, the headache I've been having for over 2 weeks now has accumulated from stress. So now I am on a headache/muscle relaxer medication. :/ I feel out of it, and I have to write a lesson plan that is due for tomorrow :/ Btw, I am back at 195 again. I went to my doctors and I showed him that I lost weight (he told me I couldn't do it) ha, showed him.

tired of trying

I feel really discouraged and disgusting.
I also have had a headache for 2 weeks straight now and I don't feel like doing anything besides sleeping.
I am frikkin sick of dieting, --- sick of TALKING about dieting.
Just sick of all the frikkin shit.
I think I give up....

Yo. --yo.. :(

Bye pounds! Hi pounds! Bye Pounds! Hi Pounds! Bye Pounds---- HI POUNDS!

Its like a yo-yo. I am doing really poorly on my diet. I don't know how to correct it right now, I know that I need to-- and I DO know how to correct it.

I just need the motivation and will power that I am lacking.
Urgh.


Why can't weight just disappear?

Seeing a difference.

You know when you roll up to the mcdonalds drive thru window and the girl handing you your food (who also kind-of knows you-- not complete strangers) says "wow, you are looking really great!"

I probably shouldnt have gone to mcdonalds... but oh well.

I weighed myself tonight around.... 9:15pm or so? I weighed.....
....
.....
........
.............
................
194.5


YEP! thats right. OH and yesterday I took a ***4 mile*** walk with my roommate--- I didn't go to the gym... but it was definitely a work out.

Lets see if I can get down to 189 by the end of march..... thats only ..... 5.5 pounds in like two weeks.

MAYBE I CAN DO THIS!
Btw, I make some really delicious tofu!

Rethink this.

This week (I don't know if I actually count sunday as the beginning of the week but oh well)--- this week---- I did not go to the gym yet. But it is only monday, and I have high hopes that I will make it to the gym tomorrow along with the many things I have to do on my 'to do' list.

I know I don't weigh 195 anymore. I can feel that I have gained weight back because I have my appetite back--- which was no surprise and I kept on eating--and eating--and eating.

I went to the store and bought food today. Tofu, chicken sausage, brocolli, chicken, spices, fruit (bananas, orange, peach, 2 apples) eggs, and a facial mask :)

So, that is what I will be eating all week.

I am going to try to take all the artificial sugar carbs out of my life. I will just eat fruit (I know fruit has pretty many carbs, but fruit is good for you)

I also made some bangin' green tea today from tea bags, some honey, and 6 no calorie sugar packets.

Spring Break is almost over...

Welp, spring break is almost over--- and this is my last spring break ever.

This week coming up I am going to try to go to the gym everyday. Maybe it will release some pent up stress that has been building.

I have no idea how much homework I neglected over break--- but I am assuming it was a shit load.

I want to lose or get down to... 190 by end of march.

Then hopefully 180-170 by the end of april or may.

oh HELL yes...

195 pounds and in a size 14 jeans.

I was down to 192 on monday... but that was due to the stomach flu-- so that doesn't count.

195 lbs. :) I haven't been this weight since.... 2005/2006?

Only 25 pounds till I reach 170, and 35 until I reach 160.

Possibly down to 180 by end of april? Maybe I can do this?

Dangle motivation on a string-- please.

Its like motivation for me has a flip/flop effect. I will be motivated for an hour, a day, possibly a week, sometimes a month. But then all of a sudden-- BAMMM!!!--- its gone.

Like most humans on earth-- I feel really overwhelmed and depressed.

I am overwhelmed with school, the thought of moving home after this semester, the thought of student teaching, the thought of --well-- graduating and starting 'life'. The big 'L' word.

What does that even mean? Starting "life".

I've been living now for 22 years. Starting an 'adult' life in the 'real world' will be rough I am assuming. Life probably will not get any better to tell you the truth.

Get married? Stay in a relationship? Be single and collect gnomes and cats? Who knows--- the possibilities could be endless.

All I know is this... I will always be a large person-- whether I get down to 160-170 or not-- I will still be big. I will never be a size 0. Ever. and I probably will never be a size 6 either.

I am me.
I feel like people cannot deal with it--- why else would they try to change me?
My boyfriend and I have been having rough patches due to things changing in his life-- and well I am just depressed ALL the time-- so it doesn't help.

We try to make things work. A lot of sacrificing does down on my end. He still manages to be a tool anyway, no matter how hard I try to please him, or try not to show my real emotions.

Its like being a robot or a drone. Its no way to live.
I just don't know what to do...
I feel like I'm in quick sand sometimes--- all the struggling, yelling, pulling, tugging, desperation continues to drag me down-- not help me back up.

Back down to 197

I recently got out of my 'funk' and started going to the gym--- on the elyptical machine burning off 600 calories an hour.

I think I may have gotten up to 202 or 203 lbs last week or the week before--- and it really through me off mentally and emotionally-- because I felt like a failure.

Now that I am seeing that going to the gym actually does show results and so does eating properly I am going to go more often... Infact today is saturday and I have not gone to the gym since wednesday and I am craving it.

I also researched that I can burn off carbs (since they are calories anyway) but anyhoo-- every 4 calories is a carb. So if I go over my carbs (from only trying to consume 20 carbs a day) lets say I eat 40 - 60, I go to the gym and burn off those calories that would make those carbs...

I don't know how well that will work but that is what I am trying to do.

Going to the gym now is like a release for me. I can release stress--- so instead of eating-- I go to the gym. I talked this over with my health and wellness coach from work--- she also said that I should be going to the gym to release stress instead of eating and I finally listened to her... and so far it is working.

The only thing that is a bummer about my gym schedule that I want to follow is that :
1. I can only park at the gym (on campus) after 4:30pm or else I will get a ticket...

2. If I walk to the gym I have to walk more than a half mile there, and back, but by the time I get there... alll of the machine I like to use are taken and I end up walking the track... which makes me feel like not going in the first place...

3. Wednesdays I do not go to the gym because I have to leave right away from classes to my actual house because I teach at a school by there for my early field class every thursday.
- my sister recently bought an elyptical machine-- I guess I could use that.

4. Thursday I come back to campus--- but then I go out for a drink with my friends... but I should really be going to the gymm...

5. Friday I just have classes and I would have to walk to the gym-- but by that time I just want to drive home for the weekend.

I guess I just have to figure out my proirities.



Well it was fun bloggin'!

Feeling like a failure...

I feel like a failure. I did lose 40 pounds... but now I am back to 200... so now its only 37 pounds lost.

I can't seem to control what I eat like I used to-- I am being too liberal and letting myself eat nonsense.

I am too depressed to go to the gym-- or to function normally.... or to do homework...

I just want to crawl into a hole and die...

Scale is the devil...

So... I weigh myself... and weigh myself... and usually it comes back the same number.
But I have done bad on my "diet" since this past thursday. (Eric came over-- we ate a ton of shrimp--- and had icecream [i'm sure there was more bad things I had consumed], friday I had icecream again!... , saturday I had icecream--- and chocolate--and cookies--and pie! (crap! :( ...) and... today I did fairly well... with the exception of a tablespoon of icecream and a small piece of cheesecake.

I don't know why Eric can throw me off my diet so severely. Wait I do know... because he says "let's go get icecream!... we can go off our diets today... start back tomorrow..." then the next day... "Lets go get icecream!"

I think it may be because we both stress eachother out pretty hard core. I think if we didn't have this stress and we weren't both depressed we probably wouldn't cheat on our diets when we are together-- I have a feeling that is why it happens--- because food makes us feel good and if tensions are high between us--- food usually calms us down.

I just got done reading 2 chapters for my homework--- I left my V8 juice downstairs... if one of my roommates touch it I might have to break their fingers...

Btw... At work I weighed 201. At school I weighed 205 (it was late late late in the day) but yesterday I weighed... 198 or something. So IDK.


But I need to try harder. I am doing Jillian Michaels workout tomorrow at 6:00am. I need to, I have to start my week out right...

197 :)

It keeps on coming off slowly but surely.
I definitely want to get to the weight 188-189 by the end of february.
I think I can do it if I go to the gym everyday and continue eating all the right things.

:)

So... then maybe... 177 by the end of march.... and 168 by the end of april.... and hopefully 160 by the end of may!

I think at the rate I am going loosing a 1lb or 2lbs a week I can definitely do this.

Okay... if I lose 2 lbs a week... I have 12 weeks til the end of April...
If its 2 lbs a week... I can get down to 173. (I guess the goal would be 170) by the end of april.

so 12 weeks... and 86 days....

Let the weight loss begin!

To buy or not to buy? (more fitness DVDs)

Today I weighed myself and I weigh 1.9.8. 198. 198. 198. 198.

Omg, 198.

I haven't weighed 198 since.... 11th or 12th grade? and I am in my 5th year of college.

New goal... 185 by the end of February.
I want to at least lose 2 lbs a week, possibly 3 if I really force myself.

With the Jillian Michaels thing it says "lose 20 lbs in 30 days" I wonder if I actually did it for 30 days would I really lose 20 lbs? I guess I am up for the challenge.

SO lets say hypothetically speaking that I will lose 20 lbs in 30 days. What if I started tomorrow? BY... March 2 I could be 20 lbs lighter--- which would put me at.... 178.

Then hypothetically speaking... what if I went on the no-carb diet for REAL and actually lasted the 2 or 3 weeks... I could lose 10 pounds--- which would put me at 168.

I could be down to 160 by the end of April.
Hypothetically speaking---

But what if that was my goal.
What if I want to reach 170, or even 160 by the end of april.
I think I might be able to do it.


That would give me 13 WEEKS to lose 30 lbs.
However, 13 x 2 is 26... so that would be 26 pounds.
Okay, how about 15 weeks... by May 14th I want to be 30 lbs lighter. (which would bring me to 168)

Then I would only have 8 more pounds to lose by the end of June.

I think I can do this.
I know I can do this.
I will do this.
I'm doing it.
I will accomplish this.
I can I can I can.

Today is a new day--- new inspiration-- new motivation..

"It is better to fall short of a high mark than to reach a low one."- H. C. Payne
"Life can be pulled by goals just as surely as it can be pushed by drives"- Viktor Frankl
"The virtue lies in the struggle, not in the prize"- Richard Monckton Milnes
"To reach a port, we must sail-- Sail, not tie an anchor-- Sail, not drift."- Franklin Roosevelt

Today is going to be a quote day.
I chose the quotes above because hopefully they will inspire and motivate me to continue on my journey and give it my all, the best I can.

One goal reached... :)

I weighed myself today at my grandmothers apartment complex where I taught an art class to the elderly people and had a grand 'ol time.

I weighed 200.6

I almost shit a brick.

AND the best part about that was (I wasn't fully naked-- undergarments on, I have my period-- which means extra bloat than usual, and it was 3:18 in the afternoon--which means I would have weighed less in the morning)

SO, I was like... hey gram, is your scale right? she didn't know so I got a 5 lb bag of flour, she got on the scale, weighed herself, then I handed her a bag of flour, and she was 5 lbs heavier!

WHICH MEANS THE SCALE IS CORRECT.

I WEIGH 200 ( or less ) HOLY FRIKKIN CRAP. I AM SO EXCITED.

Now its time for my next (small) goal----- +++180+++ then the next will be 170, then finally 160.

I don't know how long this will take me, but I am sure as hell going to try my hardest to make it happen!

Btw, I almost just ate a cupcake... not much willpower here on my end...

... theres gotta be something more...

I feel like I talk a lot of talk-- But I don't do anything about it.
I SAY that I will go to the gym, or ONLY eat 20 carbs a day...
But do I do it?
No.

I need to put my money where my mouth is. (is that the phrase? idk)

Writing that also signifies talking-- because right now I am not at the gym, or watching my carbs.

Maybe I had under 100 today, I know I did. But I DEFINITELY had more than 20 carbs.

My boyfriend will not be seeing me this week, I make him angry apparently because I am "childish, dumb, stupid, etc." and he can't stand things that I do, or say, and I drive him up a wall.

He needs time to himself, and he can glady get that time.
I need time for myself too. To do me.

Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
Me. Me. Me. Me.
Me. Me. Me.
Me. Me.
Me.

This week, since I won't see him (and when I call he will probably ignore the phone call, or won't talk anyway) I will just go to the gym everyday, do homework, relax and take care of myself.

Because like his facebook status states... " New Goal: Worry about only me, and no one else"

Maybe I will follow his words, since he will be doing the same.
Can't wait to see what 'treasures' this relationship holds...

Irritated...

I just noticed that when I get extremely pissed off the top of my head tingles. Its like my hair folicles KNOW that I want to punch someone in the face.

Words cannot express the confusion and frustration I have rightnow

Gosh darn...

So, I cheated on my diet today. I couldn't take it anymore. Its not that I NEEDED carbs, but I felt really tired and drained... I needed energy.

What I chose to cheat which wasn't a very healthy choice though...

I cheated with a teaspoon of peanut butter, 1/4 of a cracker, 1 small cheese curl, 1 bite peanut butter cup, THEN the doozy.... a brownie... 43 carbs (not the smartest choice i could have made) and I had brocolli with my dinner.


All together it was 50.6 carbs.

I think I am going to start ALL OVER AGAIN with this diet tomorrow... being day 1, and 14 more to follow.

The only thing is, I might add in 10 to 20 carbs a day. My chest feels really weird when I don't eat carbs, like, my heart thumps and feels very different than normal. It feels like it stalls, and makes me feel shaky.

Okay, but I can do this... btw... 201 pounds today. !

So excited!

Started No carb... again!

Day was day 3 of my no carb diet. I have not really cheated so far (maybe in over the 3 days I had an equivelant of 2 cups of diet gingerale.... but that is it)

I still weigh 203 (when I weighed myself today after 5-6pm)
I want to weigh myself tomorrow morning, maybe I weigh less in the morning.

The diet really isn't too bad so far, I've been doing really good.
I came home for the weekend to find that my sister bought groceries for the house (oatmeal pies, brownies with chocolate chips, pretzels, chips, salsa, iced tea, ice cream... ) everything that I can't have.

Which is fine, I don't need it ;)

Before I started this no carb diet again-- I had a McFlurry two nights in a row, and it caused me to feel really ill.

Maybe I won't crave sweets as much.
I am really just craving like... peanutbutter and potato bread (because its so good!)

But I can do this, only .... 11 more days :)

More of an elaboration at best...

I weigh 203.

I want to weigh 170 by the end of April, and 160 by beginning of september. And 160 the rest of my life. I wouldn't mind getting down to 150 though ;)

Pictures of myself lately have been very satisfying.

October 2010

End of November, early december End of december.

I have not gotten any full view pictures of me since then. But I will eventually.

I just like how I look recently. I am so happy that I lost those 34 pouds.

43 more pounds until I reach 160.

if I lose 3 more pounds by end of january... I'll only have 40 more.

I can definitely do this.

I am actually really happy to be going back to school, I'll definitely have a lot more time to go to the gym, and actually go there and do what I want to do. I didn't mind going with my friends but all they would want to do is walk...--- I can walk outside.

Now I can do other things! Maybe I will go at 7am every morning. Or maybe not... maybe I'll do the 30 day shred every morning...before school at 8am... and go to the gym in the evenings. :)

Gym at school... here I come!

Right now I weigh 203.

In the summer I weighed 237 (I thought it was 242...but the scale I was weighing myself on is 5 pounds heavier...)

I lost 34 pounds.

45 more to go.

I will use the gym everyday at school. and I want to get myself to do the Jillian Michaels 30 days shred everyday.

I will make a burrito today...

I already had... about... 'ehh... maybe... 40 carbs today. yogurt with fruit.

I am probably eating spaghetti for dinner, which means I can't eat anything else til then.

Okies, cya!

Emotionally Exhausted.

I am emotionally exhausted. I feel really depressed, sad, crying all the time. And it is from a few causes. 1. I feel fat 2. I miss my mom. 3. my boyfriend constantly thinks I am being sad on purpose to make him mad, which I'm not. 4. I don't feel loved and I don't know why 5. I just want a hug and someone to talk to, and I don't have that. 6. I am going to miss my boyfriend when he goes to college-- I won't see him often, and we won't talk as much because we will both be really busy. 7. I just feel aweful. 8. I wish someone would understand. 9. I wish my boyfriend would stop callling me needy because honestly it doesn't help the situation. 10. I need a hug.


All I want is a hug. Thats all I want.
I am so sad and depressed I can't even get myself to workout anymore.

I need some loving, or someone to talk to. or something. anything.

Feeling super fat today

I feel like crying... enough said.

I feel fat, upset that I won't be seeing my boyfriend a lot now that school is going to start, and just pissed off.



Not a good night. Fuck the world.

Jillian Michaels keeps kicking my ass

:(

Today was day 3 of the 30 Day Shred. It doesn't hurt as much anymore but I feel like this time around I didn't try as hard because I was having a hard time breathing and feeling pretty exhausted.


Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Holiday Weight-- Melty Melt.

Those 5 pounds gained of holiday weight are now GONE.

I've been working my ass off (literally) and I intend on doing so until I reach my goal of 160 pounds. That goal may not get hit for a while (I'm thinking.... end of may? Possibly june?)

But I know I can do it if I keep exercising.

I did not work out today sadly because I worked at 7 am and I when I woke up I was completely tired.

I did really good with breakfast and lunch, adding up to around 584 calories and 60.5 carbs. However I went to my friend's house who I have not visited in a while and ate about 15 chips (with salsa), a chocolate, pork and saurkraut [[I can't spell]]

So I probably ate around 1,000 some calories and probably had around 100--120 carbs.

It was well worth it though, I had a good time. Tomorrow starts back on the grind of working out and eating right-- maybe I will make the boyfriend work out with me :)

Hungry Hungry Hippo

i did really well today! I only ate around 750 calories and 95 carbs!

this isn't going to be an actual post because i really don't have anything interesting to say besides that i thought exercising when i was sore was going to hurt more but actually it made it feel better.

okies~!

Measurements...

I decided to measure myself... that way I can see if I made progress from working out. Here it goes...

Arms: 16.5''
Bust: 41.5''
Waist: 44"
Butt: 49.25 ''

By those measurements you can clearly tell I am shaped like a pear.

30 Day Shred

Today I woke up at 5:30am and told myself I was going to start the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred... and I did.

The workout totally kicked my butt but I am so glad that I did it. I cannot wait to do it tomorrow. I had to work today at 7 am and I thought that I was going to be really tired, but I wasn't I was hyper.

Overall it was a great day. I watched what I was eating. All together today I ate 1,207 calories and 109.7 carbs.

I think that is a pretty good job.
From writing down what I ate I know what I can cut down on (graham crackers.. haha)

New Years Resolutions..... hyeah...hokai...

So here are my new years resolutions------

1. Exercise at least 4 times a week.

2. Limit myself to eating carbs only twice a day. (for example carbs at breakfast [maybe toast or an egg wrap]] and carbs are lunch for energy throughout my day.

3. No restrictions, just smaller portions.

4. Wear retainer at least 3 times a week (my teeth are starting to shift again :( fail... )

5. Get down to 160 or 150 pounds by August 31st. ( I start student teaching and I do NOT want to be the fat student teacher... ya know? )

Alright, so I know I come on here and bitch about how badly I did on my diet, but I think from reading back it helps me because I see where I go wrong.

On MTV there is a show called 'I used to be fat' and I watched the first episode of it today and an 18 yr old girl who weighed 253, lost 90 lbs in 111 days.

That really inspired me, ... and you know how she did it? through exercising everyday and eating healthy (of course she had a trainer to motivate her, but I can always pretend... can't I?)

So it is 11:17 pm here, and about 30 minutes ago after watching that episode I worked out. The first time I have worked out in a very long time, probably since before thanksgiving break. so it was sometime in November.

But I did it. It hurt, it still hurts, but I can do it. I did an intense arm workout, which is going to hurt like hell tomorrow but I will do it tomorrow too, and the next day.

I am determined to lose this weight. I don't need to be a size 2, or 5, or 6. --- All I honestly want is to be healthy. I don't want to have to worry about getting diabetes...