Its like motivation for me has a flip/flop effect. I will be motivated for an hour, a day, possibly a week, sometimes a month. But then all of a sudden-- BAMMM!!!--- its gone.
Like most humans on earth-- I feel really overwhelmed and depressed.
I am overwhelmed with school, the thought of moving home after this semester, the thought of student teaching, the thought of --well-- graduating and starting 'life'. The big 'L' word.
What does that even mean? Starting "life".
I've been living now for 22 years. Starting an 'adult' life in the 'real world' will be rough I am assuming. Life probably will not get any better to tell you the truth.
Get married? Stay in a relationship? Be single and collect gnomes and cats? Who knows--- the possibilities could be endless.
All I know is this... I will always be a large person-- whether I get down to 160-170 or not-- I will still be big. I will never be a size 0. Ever. and I probably will never be a size 6 either.
I am me.
I feel like people cannot deal with it--- why else would they try to change me?
My boyfriend and I have been having rough patches due to things changing in his life-- and well I am just depressed ALL the time-- so it doesn't help.
We try to make things work. A lot of sacrificing does down on my end. He still manages to be a tool anyway, no matter how hard I try to please him, or try not to show my real emotions.
Its like being a robot or a drone. Its no way to live.
I just don't know what to do...
I feel like I'm in quick sand sometimes--- all the struggling, yelling, pulling, tugging, desperation continues to drag me down-- not help me back up.
No comments:
Post a Comment